"We all overeat from time to time—taking an extra helping at Thanksgiving dinner or having dessert when you're already full. But for binge eaters, overeating is regular and uncontrollable. You use food to cope with stress and other negative emotions, even though afterwards you feel even worse"
Just read this article on binge eating disorder and I must say, I've never felt more closer to the truth about my condition. The truth is that mental disorders are very common in my family history. My grandmother and mother both struggled with mental issues and it has literally consumed both of their lives at times. I like to think we all have mental issues, some have it mild and others severe, but we all have something mentally wrong with us. For me, I've struggled for countless years with binge eating disorder. It's something I've been ashamed to admit, and even my family doesn't know I have an issue with eating. They think my weight gain is related to my thyroid condition, which is contributory but definitely not the main cause of my weight gain. I guess the biggest reason I've been afraid to name myself as having binge eating disorder is because it doesn't really seem like a real diagnosis. I imagine a lot of people see it as "oh that girl's just fat because she eats a lot". No, it's more than that. If I just had problems with eating a lot, then I would be okay eating lots of carrots, celery, salads, etc. But no, I have a big time issue with binge eating disorder, or as I like to call it stress-induced eating disorder. I cannot control myself around greasy, salty, junk food every single time I get so incredibly stressed most days and it's gotten to the point now where I physically and mentally cannot stop or rationalize with myself to not go out and buy greasy fried food, no matter how full I am. It's become my primary coping mechanism of dealing with all this stress. It's not healthy and something I'm very, very ashamed of.
The definition from the site above describes my eating patterns perfectly. My overeating behavior is a daily problem. It's very uncontrollable for me, to the point where it has lapsed me into a deep hole of depression and despair because I just cannot stop myself from getting in that McDonald's drive-thru line most nights. I use food to cope with the bucket loads of stress in my life - from school, family, friends, life, my looks, everything. Everything in my life is stressful and has at times driven me into a state of depression. And yes, after each binging episode I feel guilty, fat, bloated, and horrible.
It's really hard to see people who can just fix their bad eating habits at the drop of the hat and lose 100s of pounds within a few months. I can't do that. Everytime I make a diet plan, it fails miserably. Because most of the time, I allow myself to have that one cheat day that becomes a week of cheat days and pretty soon, a month of cheat days. Again, my chronically stressful life plays a hugeee role in this and perpetuates my eating disorder even more. My biggest problem with eating has been that I will have a great morning and afternoon, but then I will binge uncontrollably at night because I get incredibly stressed, overwhelmed, and overworked towards the end of the day. Leading to a binge eating of nearly 2000+ calories due to consumption of burgers, chicken sandwiches, fries drenched in mayonnaise, fried Asian food, noodles, fried chicken, biscuits...you name it. And the end result? Me gaining 10-20 pounds within the span of a few months. It's very embarrassing and it's gotten to the point where it's taking a huge toll on my mental and physical health.
I'm honestly sick and tired of being a closet eater and I really want to fix that. I know I've sang this same tune for the past what, 5-10 years. My eating has really become a problem in the past 4 or so years, and I've failed to acknowledge it and tackle my eating disorder at it's core. Instead of switching to a diet of grains and protein and blah blah, I need to attack my problem at the core and dissociate thoughts of eating junk food with stress. I need to make sure I snack frequently and avoid large lapses of time between meals, because that will only lead to more hunger pangs and subsequent binges. Second, I need to make sure I listen to my stomach and only eat if I'm hungry. Third, I need to find better ways to cope with stress than binge eating. I need to reduce my stress, meaning less procrastination, more results, being positive and optimistic.
I know it's going to be a tough road and I'm willing to seek therapy. I'm planning on reading the binge eating disorder article to get more tips on how to fix my problem and eventually lose all the weight I've gained. Right now, my focus is more on stopping my binging habits and adopting healthier eating habits because I hate how much I've let food take over my life. I hate being the girl with a shitty diet when all my friends have healthy eating habits. I don't want to be the adult with heart problems at the age of 40. I refuse to be a single, fat lady for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, healthy, and skinny. It's high time and I deserve at least that. I can fight this binge eating disorder because I will not let it take over my life.
I'm on Week 2 of lifestyle modifications. Expect more updates in future post.
