Cozy Winter Essentials ♥

As I've ranted about a thousand times before, my life is incredibly stressful lately. Not that others don't have stressful lives! I've just been crazy overwhelmed and have barely had time to myself. It's work, study, sleep, repeat. That's just the way it goes when you're in this crazy (but rewarding!) profession. 

So one of the things that keeps me going is indulging in some cozy, comforting rituals. Here are some of the things I find most comforting this time of the year. 

Bath & Body Works Candles -- Marshmallow Fireside is uber scrumptious! 

Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar Body Butter

Nivea A Kiss of Milk & Honey Lip Balm

Bath & Body Works Cashmere Glow scent

Philosphy Shampoo, Shower Gel, & Bubble Bath

Hot Chocolate! 

Hot herbal or green tea

Starbucks holiday drinks -- especially Gingerbread Lattes!

Snuggly oversized wool sweaters

Fuzzy cozy woolen scarves

Holiday songs! -- thank you for the Pandora Christmas station!

Christmas decorations -- and Pinterest surfing for ideas

Holiday cooking and baking -- especially adorable gingerbread men cookies!

Wearing snuggly socks while relaxing and binge watching Netflix and football games with the family :)

Rant of the Month

The one thing I hate more than anything about medical school is feeling unsure about everything. For example, I’m currently busting my ass off in my medicine rotation but always leave at the end of the day feeling dissatisfied and feeling like my best isn’t good enough. Bottom line, I’m not sure if busting my ass and working the hardest I can is going to earn me the top grade. I’m a pretty good, enthusiastic student but I still lack a lot in terms of my assessment/plan synthesis and oral presentations. I know it’s just school and I’m still learning, but being “pretty good, but not the best” won’t earn you top grades which is what really matters. And paired with my piss-poor Step 1 score, I’m scared that I won’t end up being a resident at my dream hospital, UPMC. I’m really scared that match day is going to come in 1 ½ years and I’m going to find out that I matched in my Top 3^rd or 4^th choice. I’m fighting so damn hard to reverse my Step 1 score and kick ass at my rotations, but it really sucks when my best isn’t good enough. And the worst part is that I’m dragging myself down day by day by day, but I don’t know what opinion my attending has of me. Maybe she hates me, maybe she thinks I’m a rockstar but I won’t know until my grade is full and final. I got above average on my mid-rotation feedback form, but I don’t know if I’ve shown myself to be good enough to get bumped up to Outstanding. I guess I will just have to come in terms with being above average and try not to drag myself down day by day for it. I can’t change who I am or my skillset. I can only work to keep pushing through and kicking ass the best I can. I hope that lands me the top grade, but if it doesn’t at least I gave it a good fight :)

Oh and not to mention, I got a fricken $45 ticket for parking at my own parking lot K I parked at the meters since all the permit-only spots were taken and therefore got a bunch of tickets. I appealed and I hope they accept it, but I’m really scared that they’ll reject it and I’m going to have to shell out $45. That’s going to be terrible! But hey, happy-go-lucky attitudes here. I have a good fighting chance and even if they get rejected, it’s only $45 and I know never to repeat that mistake again.

Anyway rant over. Hopefully going to get back to beauty blogging soon!

Stress Relief 101

It's no secret that over the past year, I've been battling with chronic stress and a self-managed panic disorder. Unfortunately, being submerged 24/7 in a stress-loaded medical school environment takes its tolls and constantly piles on mounds of worry, fear, and thoughts of self-undermining. Some students are able to handle it magnificently and not let it affect their lives too much, while other students (like myself) are constantly pressed down by it and struggle to stay positive and keep afloat in such a fast-paced, competitive environment.

So this fall, which marks the beginning of my third year of medical school, I'm really going to work hard to try and fight the stress. I understand, though, that it's SO much easier said than done. In fact, I recall posting something similar right before boards studying time began, and I did a complete botch job at it. Thinking back to March-May of this year really triggers some PTSD-like nightmares in my head due to all the stress I had let accrue and simmer, which eventually led me to perform horribly on my board exams. It was by far one of my biggest struggles in life and I'm still affected daily by it. Thankfully, third year is sort of like a redemption for students who got low scores on boards. Clerkship grades have a huge say in residency applications, and since my core rotation marathon is about to begin in a few days time, I thought it would be appropriate to use these few days before my next rotation begins to establish a plan for those days where I'm feeling especially weighed down by stress.

I believe fall is a great time to start fresh. In fact, when I think of fall, I think of starting anew. It's a fresh new season, fresh new school year, and a fresh new opportunity for me to excel. Fall is also my favorite season and the most calming time of year for me and so it's much easier for me to be happy and optimistic.  So I've done some research on tips to reduce stress. Now, not all the stress-relieving tips work and are feasible for me so I've narrowed it down to the stress-relieving activities that I think will work the best for me. Of course, as I've said, it's a lot easier said than done but I'm motivated to try and work extra hard to minimize the stress in my life. Stress completely wreaks havoc on my body. I tend to break out a lot more, I gain weight (as evidenced by my 10 pound weight gain in the past two years), I eat terribly, I feel exhausted, and just hate the way I live when I get stressed. Therefore, I really want to try and prevent stress from piling on for the next year. Third year can definitely become stressful as I've learned from the few rotations I've been on so far. It's a full 8-12 hour day followed by studying at nights, which can take a toll if you don't plan out enough breaks and non-medical activities.

So enough rambling, here are some tips I've listed and hoping I can fall back on when I'm feeling down on myself.

in the morning
-try to wake up at least two hours ahead of heading out the door
-start each morning with a soothing, hot cup of green tea
-progressive relaxation
-morning yoga whilst deep breathing
-browse through daily planner
-reserve at least an hour for getting ready and preparing meals for the day

throughout the day
-eat small, nutritious meals frequently
-try to check things off planner list

in the evening
-light a soothing candle
-take a hot shower
-listen to soft, classical or piano music
-drink herbal tea and read something non-medical
-finish a craft project
-clean and organize
-explore and study in a new location
-finish all items on daily planner
-plan out next day's meals
-sleep!

on the weekends
-go for a nature walk on early weekend mornings
-attend a sermon or watch an online sermon on weekend mornings
-explore and study in a new location
-take a mini road trip
-participate in local events or community service efforts
-spa night

Handling Finances

I was putting in a Sephora order this afternoon (since they're doing the 3X points for VIB members plus have a free lip product VIB gift out) and to my surprise, my order wouldn't go through. Never did I think that it was because my credit card bill for the month had been up to $545. That might not seem like a lot, but I live on my own and only support myself. And I had just paid $474 on July 7th. So, that means I've managed to spend that much money in a month.

That's outrageous to be honest, and I have no excuse for spending that much money in a month. Looking at my expenses history, it's mainly been food and grocery store trips. July was full of fast food, which piles up the credit card bill really easily. But it's weird because towards the end of the month, I had been making numerous grocery store trips a week and spending $50+ each time. I'm not saying it's bad to go stockpile your fridge, but to make healthy grocery choices and still be like 50 pounds overweight is crazy to me. 

I always say I'm going to watch my expenditure, but I always trail off on that promise after week one. Life just comes along and there goes that resolution. But, since I'm less busy that usual this month, I really want to work on fixing my finances. Here are some tips I thought up to save more money this month:

• Daily credit card balance emails
• Limit myself to $100 worth of makeup per season
• Limit myself to $100 worth of clothes, candles, accessories, home stuff, etc. per season
• Limit to $100 per month on groceries

So not a whole bunch, but these would be good to start off with and see how they go. 

Will update on my progress! 

June Favorites ♥

Lots of beauty products I've been loving this month! I've had a lot of time this month to experiment with new stuff and have hauled up a lotttt of goodies that I've fallen absolutely in love with. Here they all are. It was really hard to narrow them out, but here are the main products I've been loving. I wanted to mention a lot of products I mentioned in my Summer/Spring favorites, but I left them out so I wasn't talking about the same products again and again. But, I still loveee those products and have been using them a lot still, but here are some of the newer products I've loved and discovered this month.

PINK Sweet & Flirty Body Mist

Photo credit = www.iamlinderella.blogspot.com

Smells like summer in a bottle! Super light, breezy, and fruity. I've been wearing this in the morning as a light fragrance and it makes me smell amazing! Doesn't last a long time, but that's just the way I like it for an everyday scent. 

BBW Candle in Lilac Blossom

Photo credit = www.todayiadore.com

I usually don't like floral candles, but this one is an exception. Very light floral, lilac smell and the mason jar version is strong enough to fragrance my entire bedroom! 

Real Techniques Expert Face Brush

Photo credit = www.makeupyamind.wordpress.com

I normally don't mention makeup tools in a favorites post, but this foundation brush is soooo nice! It's nice and dense and it applies my foundation like a dream in less than 3 minutes without any fallout or streaking. 

Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Dust (Naked 3 Palette)

Photo credit = www.beautyjunkiesunite.com

I mentioned the Naked 3 Palette in one of my spring favorites, but I've been using this shade in particular the entire month! It's such a pretty frosted pinky-rose color and I love this shade in particular because it doesn't look too light or too pink on me. It almost looks like a light mauve on me. It's the most natural looking pink in this palette (for my skin color) and I've been loving it on days where I want a non-brown, but still natural eyeshadow. It makes me look refreshed and awake without looking like I applied a ton of pink eyeshadow.

Make Up For Ever Smoky Extravagant Mascara

Photo credit = www.musingsofamuse.com

bareMinerals READY Blush in The Aphrodisiac

Photo credit = www.loveshelbey.com

A beautiful blush I recently rediscovered. I've owned this blush for a few years and I have a love-forget relationship with this. This summer, I've been loving how beautiful and glowy this shimmery apricot blush makes me look while still appearing natural! The best part? No need for a highlighter since the shimmer specks in this blush do all the work and light me up instantly while giving me a healthy, pretty, sun kissed glow. 

Clinique Cheek Pop in Berry Pop

Photo credit = www.musingsofamuse.com

Another blush favorite this month. I've always been afraid of bright pink, fuchsia blush colors but I gave it a shot when the new Clinique blushes came out, and I'm soooo happy I did! This color looks gorgeous on tan skin and has been my go to blush on most days since it makes me look extremely well rested, fresh, bright, youthful, and like I just worked out...in a good way! I like to wear this color on days when I want my cheeks to pop a little bit more since this isn't as natural appearing as a peachy-apricot blush. But yet, it doesn't look like you slapped on blush. Just enhances your look in a very pretty, doll-like way! Next to a shimmery peachy blush, this is definitely my new favorite summer blush color -- probably will look great in the colder months too! 

CoverGirl Lipslicks Smoochies Sizzle Gloss in Hot Stuff

Photo credit = thebeautybudgetblog.wordpress.com

I was browsing around Ulta a few weeks ago and picked up this gloss because I had heard good things about the Smoochies line. And ohhh my gosh this gloss smells and tastes just like cherries! I really like to wear this on days where I'm wearing minimal makeup, usually on weekends on days off when I can get away with wearing glitzy makeup (this gloss literally has chunks of glitter!). Beautiful sheer peachy, glittery gloss for the summer, especially with the fruity taste and smell! I'm pretty sure I'm halfway done with the tube, thats how much I've been wearing it recently. 

Maybelline Baby Lips in Rose Rush

Photo credit = www.musingsofamuse.com

I'm usually not a big fan of the Baby Lips balms because they're quite opaque and I don't wear tinted lip balms as much anymore. However, they recently came out with a Pink collection and this color looked absolutely beautiful in swatches. On me, it translates to a gorgeous mid-opaque hot pinkish color. This shade in particular is gorgeous because it's sheer, but yet opaque enough to enhance my lip color. Plus, it smells like watermelons mmm! I really like Baby Lips because they're so incredibly hydrating and for only $4 a tube, they do well in terms of pigmentation. I'm glad I finally found a wearable color in this line!

Trader Joe's

Photo credit = www.mediabistro.com

Oh my gosh, I recently discovered TJ and I'm in LOVE. Their frozen section is absolutely amazing! They have cheap food, but the best part is that it's so much healthier than the grocery store frozen foods section in terms of sodium, sugar, and ingredients. Their other sections are good as well, but the frozen foods section is a total winner. Things I've been loving are their potato pancakes (with only 5 ingredients!), pad see-ew, and a pesto pasta TV dinner (with only 390 mg sodium and 300 calories!!!). I'll definitely be going here every single time I need to restock my freezer! 

Sesame Oil! (hahaha)

Photo credit = www.budgetbytes.com

Totally random favorite, but I've started using sesame oil to cook my Asian dishes and ohmygosh it makes SUCH a big difference in terms of taste! I love love love Asian cuisine and I've been experimenting with cooking my own Asian dishes at home. So far, I've used sesame oil to make chow fun noodles and fried rice, and it definitely gives these dishes more flavor than olive oil. Definitely a must ingredient for any Asian dishes...olive oil definitely won't cut it! I'm so surprised I didn't discover it sooner, but never again will my pantry be without this!!

"Keep Calm And Have A Cupcake" Desk Notes

Photo credit = www.scribewritingessentials.com

Last but certainly not least, my new favorite desk accessory. I found this at the clearance section of my university book store, and it is SO fricken beautiful. Love the light pink casing and the cupcake imprinted notes. I love baking and love love love cupcake-baking and decorating in particular, so this message is me in a phrase. I love everything about this...the box, the notes, how big the notes are, the design, the elegance, the font size, the message. Ahh, love love love. So me in every single way. Plus, it's been keeping me organized and top of things this past month so it's a total win win!

My Updated Morning Routine

I've made some pretty big changes to my morning routine now that third year has begun and I can't quite fit everything in my day as easily as I could in college. I wish I had began this routine since day one of medical school, since I'm actually finding it to be quite refreshing and energizing!
Pretty much, my entire day has been changed thanks to a few, but drastic changes to my morning schedule. I've written out my "ideal" morning schedule on most mornings. Now, the timings will probably change based on the starting times of the rotation I'm currently in. Right now I'm on a research month, so my schedule is pretty flexible. But, next month I will be in Ob/Gyn, which starts as early as 6am! But, no matter what rotation I'm on, I'd like to shape my mornings and days around this basic schedule.

4:30 am: Pill time
I wake up a half hour before the time I really want to be outta bed so I can take my thyroid replacement pill (which needs to be taken on an empty stomach 30 minutes before breakfast). I put the pill and a bottle of water next to my bed the night before so I don't get too lazy to get up and fetch my pills in the morning and end up sleeping in instead. Also, I can nap while the medicine's being digested and I can then eat a little morning snack before my workout so I'm not starving. Also, I chug a bottle of water with the pill, so it helps me to start off the day hydrated!

5:00 am: Wake up, get clean, run out the door
After my little post-pill nap, I force myself to get outta bed and put on my workout clothes. I try to set these out the night before, or otherwise I just grab the first gym clothes I see haha. I also refill my bottle of water and grab a little quick digesting carbohydrate-rich snack like a granola bar or banana. I usually eat these and maybe sip some water on my 15 minute drive to the gym.

5:30 am: Exercise time!
I park right outside my gym so I don't waste any extra time. I try to fit in at least a 30 minute cardio workout, usually a sweaty elliptical workout or an incline treadmill hike. If I have some extra time or I'm feeling motivated, I do some crunches, use the weights machines, or bump up my workout to 45-60 minutes.

6:30am-6:45 am: Come home, shower
On days I have rotation, I like to be home around this time so I have plenty of time to get dressed and head out. I like to ideally have 45 minutes to get dressed and leave home a half hour before if my site is on campus. I usually hop in the shower the second I get home and save eating for later. If I'm ravenous, I'll grab a fruit or a snack before I head into the shower.

6:45 am-7:30am: Get dressed, grab breakfast, pack lunch
Like I mentioned, I like to blow dry my hair after my morning shower, which normally takes me about 10-15 minutes. I then just pop it into a bun so it's out of my face. I then get dressed, put on my contacts, pat on my moisturizer, and apply my makeup. If I'm running late, I just apply foundation, concealer, powder, maybe a swipe of blush and mascara, and grab a lip product before I head out the door. I also try to set aside at least 10 minutes to make a quick breakfast and pack my lunch/snacks for the day. As much as I try to pack my lunch the night before, it never happens! I do have a growing mental list of quick grab and go breakfasts that I have, so maybe I'll make a blog post about that in the future.

7:30 am: Head out the door!
Once I'm dressed and prettied up, I make sure I have all my essentials in my work bag (which I definitely prepare the night before!) and head out the door! If I can, I make coffee at home. Otherwise, I just grab a quick coffee at the hospital to reward myself for a great workout! :)


So I have definitely been LOVING my new morning routine. Yes, it is incredibly difficult to get into the habit of waking up extra early, but it's definitely worth it. From the very first step, you wake up and hydrate, which I'm finding is really important for mental function. And then getting exercise out of the way is a really great feeling and sets the tone for what I eat throughout the day (trust me, you don't wanna eat a fried chicken sandwich for lunch after you spent the morning busting your butt on the elliptical!).
I find that I don't need caffeine as much after exercising in the morning. Of course, being the coffee junkie I am, I still have my morning cup, but I don't depend on my afternoon cup of coffee like I used to. Exercising in the morning is also helping me focus much much better and increases my work productivity like none other!
The only thing about this morning routine is that it is a little jam packed and I can't have as leisurely of a morning as I would like. But as I said, the boost in mental and physical energy is definitely worth it. I hope I can keep it up during my early morning rotations because I would hate to adjust to a great morning routine like this only to not be able to do it anymore! 

June: New Years Resolution Update

I wanted to do a life update post today but instead of just rambling on, I figured I would shape this post around my New Year's resolutions and how I'm doing with them.
In a nutshell: not exactly the place I want to be at, sadly.
But that's okay! Because life is all about improving yourself and I'm not going to give up just because I have had a few setbacks this year. By far, the number 1 thing getting in the way of my goals has been Step 1. I know that's a really crappy excuse, but that test and prep period literally drove me crazy. Let's just not even go there. It was by far the worst period of my life and will probably end up being a lifelong regret because I wish I had studied harder and did better on Step 1. But I didn't fail and my dream isn't over so that's what really matters!

#1 Weighing 125 pounds
It's taken a lot of courage for me to even talk about this in a post because my weight is the most out of control part of my life right now. Instead of losing weight, I actually gained weight during my study period. I don't even want to know how much I weigh right now because I will probably have a panic attack if I see the exact number. But let's just say that all of my clothes have become tighter. Very very hard to suck it in and admit it, but I need to really buck up and turn the scale in the opposite direction. I could go on about how I gained all this weight but that would just be counterintuitive and put a lot of negativity in this post. Let's just say that it happened and I am trying my very hardest to take restorative steps towards improving it. I don't want to get too much into it because I am just starting my weight loss regime ALL over again, which kind of really sucks, but I will do some updated posts in the future.

#2 Capturing moments
I have been pretty good about this! I haven't had the greatest social life due to Step 1, but every moment I spend with friends and family, I try to capture. I even took a photo when I hung out with my best friends from college a few weeks ago for my birthday, which will definitely end up in a scrapbook!

#3 Keeping up with friends
Again, something that's been going relatively well. I try to keep up with my friends as much as possible, but I could always do a better job at it. For example, I don't see a lot of my old friends and I usually hangout my current med school friends and a few old friends here and there. I need to spend a bit more time talking to my undergraduate friends because I really feel like I'm losing touch with them. Don't know what I can do, since they all seem to be busy with their lives, but I am trying and will hopefully try to meet up with them sometime this year, maybe during my research month. My social life is something that I am always trying to work hard on, but is sometimes really hard to manage because everyone's at different points in their lives right now.

#4 Processed foods, refined sugars
Kinda going along #1, Step 1 killed this goal. But I am trying to get back into the swing of things and will update this blog as I keep trying new things out. Just went grocery shopping, though and most of my cart was natural stuff. Lots of fruits, veggies, protein, and healthy snacking. Also cleaned up my Pinterest and I'm excited to try new and healthy recipes soon.

#5 Sleeping
Yes! Doing well! I've recently started to get up between 5-7am depending on what I have to do that day and working out before going to work. So far (in the past 4 days I mean), I have been kicking butt at this! It's hard to wake myself up that early, but I've been treating myself to coffee from either Starbucks or Dunkin every morning I wake up early and workout, and it's working! I definitely love the way my mind feels after a morning workout and not having to exercise after a long, hard day at work. Also love seeing the beautiful morning sky and listening to the news on my way to the gym early in the morning. Just really relaxing for me, minus getting my brain up that early. Hopefully I can keep it up and shed those pounds!

#6 Credit card bills < $300/month
Ahhhhh, definitely not going well but I am working on it! I'm trying to shop less and eat more at home this month, so we shall see how well that goes when I get my bill at the end of the month :)

End of Step 1 Misery!

Woooo I can finally say that I've survived the Step 1 crazyness and can finally resume a normal life!
I got my score report back a couple days ago and happy to say that I passed! A lot of stuff went on right after I took the Step 1 exam, including a total mental breakdown that resulted in me skipping out on Vegas. Long story but pretty much, that was a rough part of my life.

I'm not entirely happy with my score, but I'm glad that I passed by a decent margin. I got a few points below average and unfortunately, my score is in a little bit of a danger zone. I am going to match in some residency program, but my chances of getting into a top residency program are kind of slim unless I really get my third year scores and Step 2 scores up there. I have been working hard to get good grades and I am going to start studying for Step 2 as soon as I begin my first official core rotation, which is in July. I have a little bit of a break before then, during which I want to finish up a good chunk of my research project and get aligned. I have a meeting with my advisor in a few weeks to discuss where to go after my below average Step 1 score. I'm hoping he gives me some good advice on how to do well third year, where I can realistically expect to match, etc.

So yes, quite a short post but I can't possibly start splurging everything that's gone on for the past few months. We would be here literally forever haha. The only thing I will say is that I am quite nervous because class elections are in full swing and there is quite a bit of competition for the Curriculum Committee position, which I have held for the past 2 years. I did get elected two years in a row, but I'm a little nervous because you never know what may happen and also because I got marginally voted in my first year. There is a good chance I will get re-elected, but still. I don't want to get my hopes up too high. To make things worse, this position is the only one with competition so there will only be 1 loser in the entire election. I'm really hoping that's not me because that will be super embarrassing. I'm hoping my classmates think I did a good job last year, still like me, and will re-elect me! Eeeeek! :(

Down in the Dumps

So Step 1 is over, but instead of feeling happy and celebrating, I feel like absolute crap. Halfway through my exam (actually more like 1/3 of the way through), I had to take a break and ran to the bathroom stall crying. I tried my best to control my emotions, but I just couldn't. I totally broke down and probably fucked up the rest of my test.

Right after the exam, I ran straight to my car and bawled my eyes out. Completely bawled my eyes out for an hour. After pulling myself together, I drove home. Came home, tried to put on a brave face in front of my parents, but ended up bawling my eyes out again. For probably the next 3-4 hours..actually no i think I cried the whole night. I was supposed to leave for Vegas at 5am the next morning, but I ended up cancelling my trip. I know I wasted $300 of airfare, but I talked to my parents and they agreed that if I wasn't feeling that great, I should just skip, pull myself together, and just calm down and get myself together before pre-clerkship week began. I figured I already wasted $350, if I had gone, I would end up spending like $200+ there. It's not even about the money and I plan on paying my parents back and not get a new laptop like I was supposed to. I just completely crumbled and got totally crushed by the exam. Hit rock bottom, not only because of the test but everything else. I feel like for the past 23 years, I've put my heart and soul in my academics and not really focused on anything else. Never dated anybody, thought it was okay I didn't have many friends, my family life is shit, I look like crap. Never really cared because I knew I always had my studies and grades. But then after getting crushed by the exam, I totally broke down and felt stripped. I studied SO hard for the past 3 months and probably ended up failing. I'm 90% positive i either failed or got a really low passing score. Looking online at forums, I should probably kiss my dreams of going to a well respected hospital for residency goodbye. If I'm lucky, maybe I"ll get an interview at Pitt based on my 3rd year experiences. I don't even know anymore.

The next few days after my test were full of misery. I've literally hit rock bottom and it took a LOT of strength to pull myself together. I'm so glad I chose to skip Vegas because I know I would've been a total wreck there. Yesterday, I had a heart to heart talk with my mom, who told me about a similar experience she's had regarding school and how she pulled herself back on her feet. I guess I need to realize that it's not the end of the world and it's just an exam. I shouldn't let one exam define who I am or my entire future. Right after the exam, I thought about dropping out or taking a year off or something. But after I got myself together, I realized that it's not too late. I haven't even gotten my score back, and maybe (since it's a normalized curve), I may have passed with semi-decent grades. Even if I failed the exam, I can study my ASS off and beast the exam now that I've gotten that kick in the ass. My mom made a good point. She says I should take control of the situation and start studying again next week in case I do fail and need to re-take it. If I got a low score or do need to retake it, I can make up for it during 3rd year and Step 2. It's not the end of the world.

In any case, the biggest change I need to make is in myself especially if I need to beast 3rd year and step 2. I feel like I"m still extremely immature and don't have my life together. I look in the mirror and I'm ashamed. I look at myself and how lazy I am, and feel horrible. I want to be independent, beautiful, feel proud of who I am like everyone else in this world. I know it's no excuse, but I think the reason I didn't do well is because I have no semblance in my life. I get upset too easily, too easily distracted, try to cut corners, and that's not right. That's probably the biggest thing holding me back from reaching my potential. I'm fat and obese, ugly as shit, never had a boyfriend, never had a guy ask me out, never had real friends, never felt happy about who I am and that's something that really needs to change soon. School life is over, I need to get out to the wards soon where I need to perform my best, especially now that I flunked my Step 1 exam.

I guess that's why I chose not to go to Vegas. Sure I sulked at home, but in these next few days I really want to pull myself together and mature up a little bit. I sometimes think I might even have a mental disorder that causes me to behave like this, but I refuse to act on it or go to a doctor without giving it all my best. I want to isolate myself from my friends and from everyone else too. We'll see how that goes. But one thing at a time. Right now, I just want to focus on myself and be happy with who I am. Even if it means falling off the grid, being alone, being a loser, whatever.

Stress Shopping & New Ulta Opening Goodies!

Soooo time is tick tocking down to when I take quite possibly one of the most important tests of my life. Yes, the infamous Step 1. I've been kind of behind since I realized that I had spent most of my study time religiously trying to memorize every little factoid in First Aid rather than trying to answer questions based on pattern recognition which is apparently what you need to do in order to ace Step 1.
Needless to stay, I've been working overtime to cram everything into my brain which means plenty of coffee and stress.
My study table is decorated with various coffee cups and my face is covered in stress acne. So what do I do when I'm feeling stressed out? Like any girly girl, I hit the mall. I went to Sephora and Forever21 and bought some makeup and a really pretty bright blue top. And since Ulta recently opened a new store in my neighborhood (just a dangerous 10 minutes away from my house) and I was already out shopping, of course I hit it up and bought some unnecessary goodies.

Not too much stuff, see :) Some of these products I actually needed, like a new shampoo and conditioner and the acne body wash. I decided to try the John Frieda line of Smooth Start shampoo and conditioner, which I haven't heard too much about but it was BOGO1/2 at Ulta so I decided I would give it a shot. Also picked up the Neutrogena Body Clear Body Wash since I have some zits around my neckline area I want to get rid of before my trip to Vegas. Excited to try it since I've been meaning to buy it for over a year now.

Of course, I also bought some makeup because I couldn't help but pass by the makeup aisles on my way to the checkout line. I bought the Physician's Formula matte shadow quad I had been meaning to try for a few weeks now. It has some really pretty brown mattes for everyday use that I"m excited to try. I've realized my eye looks have been over the top shimmery lately so I'm looking forward to matte things up for a change. Since I've been in loveeee with the NYX Butter Glosses lately, I bought one of their new shades called Angel Food Cake, which is a really pretty sheer pinky mauve that should be a good neutral for everyday wear. Since NYX products were also BOGO1/2, I also bought one of the NYX Mega Shine Lip Glosses in Nude Pink, which is a gorgeous light baby pink, but sheer enough so it doesn't make me look too washed out. The NYX Mega Shine glosses are my new love, next to the Butter Glosses. They're watermelon scented, super sleek packaging, easy applicator brush, look super shiny on my lips, are extremely hydrating and comfortable, and stay a long time on my lips. In love with them! 

Lastly, I also bought a new blush from Sephora. Since I was a little upset about not being able to get the Too Faced Sweethearts Flush Blush during the Ulta sale, I decided to get the Clinique Cheek Pop Blush Pop in Berry Pop (whew that's a lotta pops). They're the new blush line from Clinique and they're gotten rave reviews, so I had to try them out especially since I love gentle makeup brands. Plus, I chose the bright, pinky-berry color since I didn't have one in my collection and it should look gorgeous for this summer.

So there we go, retail therapy is the best. Now onto acing my Step 1 test and going to Vegas! Woop woop!

Growing Up.

Figured I haven't done a personal post in a while. I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately with a lot of family drama, stress around my Step 1 exam, and just struggles of daily life. By no means do I have a miserable life. I'm grateful for everything I have and all the experiences I've gone through. But I do wish I could fix some parts of my life.

I know my weight has been the one thing I've struggled with constantly. But even that's starting to come under control now. I'm happy to say that I haven't gained any weight and have acquired a lot of great new habits recently.

I do wish that I was better at forming relationships, though. Ever since I was little, I never really had a constant group of friends. My family moved around a lot during my elementary-middle school years and I never really had the chance to develop blooming relationships. I kind of almost regret that now because I'm having such a hard time forming true relationships now. Not only have I never had a real relationship or a real boyfriend, I've never really had true friends either. Everyone seems to be so great at making friends, but it's really challenging for me. I'm a really nice person, everyone always says that, but when it comes to being a good friend, I'm really shitty. I'm not very disclosing about the personal issues in my life to anyone, which makes other people hesitant to divulge their issues to me. I think about everyone I know who has amazing, lasting friendships and all of them are such good listeners who always know what to say and are so empathetic. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to be like that. I'll always be the awkward, quiet girl who says the wrong thing at the wrong time. And as I grow up, I realize that I can't change that about myself. I just have to learn how to accept it. I'm seen as this quirky, quiet girl who says funny stuff occasionally but has a ton of acquaintances. Yet, if I had to list people in my life who I think would be great bridesmaids or would stick their neck out for me, I hesitate. My best friend from grade school, who coincidentally happens to be one of my oldest friends, doesn't really keep up with me anymore. Sure she has a crazy busy life, but our dinner date last year kinda made me realize how far we'd drifted. Most of our dinner was full of awkward silences and no real chit chat. Just talk about our old school friends, a topic we had nothing much to discuss. And it hit me. We no longer have inside jokes, share similar hobbies, hell we don't even share similar friends anymore. I can't really call her a best friend anymore. She's always going to hold a special place in my heart and will always be my oldest and kindest friend who I know I can turn to for anything, but I know she's found other, better friends and doesn't really think of me the same way I think of her.

And I guess thats part of growing up. I need to realize that everyone changes and moves forward and I wish I could do the same. I'm still stuck on wishing she was my best friend and that we were more like sisters than friends. But it's too little too late for that now. We're friends at best. Nothing more. It really hurts me that I'm the only one who wants to even initiate a hangout. I knew that if I stopped texting her periodically, we would have a total fallout. We would probably never talk again. And that really really hurts me. I've tried to tell myself that she's busy and probably doesn't have time to talk to anyone, but no that's not really true at all. I can't really call her out on that because I have found other friends too and hangout with them way more, but at the same time, I wish our friendship meant something more than just a periodic awkward dinner date and more than a one-sided relationship.

So I think this time I'm done for good with her. If she realizes she misses me or wants to hangout with me, she can say something. As for now, I think we've lost any hopes of resurrecting our relationship. I'm very happy for her and I'm glad she has real friends who genuinely care about her. I wish she saw me as one of those, but I can't force anyone to change their minds. I wish I could tell her about all the shit I'm going through right now with my family issues, but I can't. How can I spill those intimate details to someone who doesn't even care to listen or care about even texting me once in a blue moon to talk? Whatever, I guess I'll always be the pathetic high school loser in her eyes and her cool new friends are better. But I need to grow up. It's so sad to see she has to be another friend I eject from my life, but so be it. Maybe we can catch up sometime in 5 years, if she even realizes I exist.

February Favorites! ♥

Ahh I've been SO bad at posting this month! Things have gotten a little crazy busy with Step 1 studying. I've pretty much been wearing my "no makeup makeup" look nearly everyday, which is basically just concealer and maybe some gloss or blush. And then studying 10-12 hours per day which has literally left me with no time to do anything fun.
Anyway, I have discovered some new products this month that I've been using on the days when I haven't had to rush out of the door in the mornings. I love them all mainly because they look so natural and sheer when applied. And a lot of non-beauty favorites this month, too!

Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Dollface

Photo credit = www.jessbeez.blogspot.com

NYX Butter Gloss in Apple Strudel 

Photo credit = www.missnattysbeautydiary.com

Revlon Colorburst Lipgloss in Strawberry

Photo credit = www.wieniawski.blogspot.com

Organix Moroccan Argan Oil Spray

Photo credit = www.reikouken.blogspot.com

ELF Eyebrow Brush/Comb

Photo credit = www.swirliciousbeauty.blogspot.com

Helios

Photo credit = www.boomkat.com

Bath & Body Works Stress Relief Body Wash in Sandlewood Rose

Photo credit = www.mybathhouse.com

Spa Night!

Whew, it's undeniable that the past few weeks have been stressful as hell. Lots of studying, late nights, early mornings, and a hell of a lotta coffee (my boyfriend essentially because I always have it with me). So I thought that tonight would be the perfect night to treat myself and take the whole day off to bum around and do some spa-like things. I just had a test this morning and boards prep time goes into full-time mode starting Monday, so tonight was one of the only free evenings I had for a little at-home pampering.

First things first, I came home to my parent's house and hung around with my family. I'm definitely glad I have them by my side to help me through this crazy period in my life. They're always there for me and cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down. Things with my friends have been crazy this week and I've been very emotional and depressed, so it was definitely nice to come and be welcomed and loved. After playing Monopoly, sipping coffee, chatting with my mom, and eating dinner, I took a nice hot shower. I normally like taking bubble baths when I'm stressed because they relax my muscles, but I just felt like taking a long shower instead for some reason. Felt absolutely amazing and immediately dissolved a lot of my stress! Afterwards, I treated my knotty hair to some argan oil spray and got to work detangling it with my wide tooth comb and Wet brush. Now it's super silky smooth, hydrated, healthy, and completely knot-free. Works out perfectly since I plan on curling my hair for a party tomorrow night. My hair's been so dry and tangled for the past few weeks that I feel much better now that I don't look like a caveman and now that my hair doesn't feel like steel wool.

Next, I lathered myself with some of my favorite Lavanila body butter. Oh my goodness, the smell itself can just put me in an instantaneously good mood! It smells like sugar cookies and much much sweeter than any other vanilla body cream I've ever used. I like it a lot better than the BBW Warm Vanilla Sugar body butter, although the smell of that body butter is divine in its own way. I literally cannot stop smelling myself every five minutes. Plus, my skin feels so moisturized and smooth now. Definitely a treat since my skin has been parched for the past few weeks!

I also wanted to finally open my Mint Julep mask that I had been meaning to use for about two months or more now. I applied it as a mask for 15 minutes and was a little disappointed at how dry it left my skin. My pores were giant craters and I had little bumps on my forehead. I put a lot of my nighttime moisturizer on and I must say that my skin does look more radiant and supple now. However, since this mask does a great job at drying up acne, I'm probably going to start using this as an overnight spot treatment for my pimples. We'll see how my pimples do tomorrow. Hopefully smaller and/or drier!

After that wonderful hour of pampering my hair, body, and face, I'm laying in my warm comfy bed listening to Colbie Caillat while writing this post. I feel so much more relaxed and happy now! I'm so glad I was able to set aside a few hours to have this little spa night because it was definitely much needed before the craziness of boards officially goes into full stream. But that's for tomorrow's plate. For tonight, I'm looking forward to my 8+ hours of sleep and sleeping without a damn alarm on! :)

Today ♥

Today is the day I stop feeling sorry for myself.
Today is the day I stop thinking about all the regrets in my life.
Today is the day I start thinking positively.
Today is the day I start eating nutritious food, not salty garbage.
Today is the day I start feeling happy for everything I have in my life.
Today is the day I stop thinking about all the things I wish I could change.
Today is the day I start enjoying my life.
Today is the day I say thanks to God for all he has blessed me with.
Today is the day I feel happy and grateful for being alive.

Life Moves On

I wasn't originally going to blog about this, but it has been on my mind nonstop for the past few days so I thought I would go ahead and write to spill my thoughts. This post is going to be quite depressing, which is why I was so hesitant to write this, but since it has literally been eating away at my brain, I thought I would go ahead and write about it.

Coming into medical school, I thought things would be different. I thought I would finally find a close group of friends that I could call my best friends. Initially, everything was going perfectly. I had a tight group of ten friends that I loved to hang out with. But, then natural order happened and everyone in our group started to form little "mini-cliques" as I call it. I felt as if I was the one in the middle, like I was friends with people from both sides. But then I started to realize that the group of girls didn't really like that and started to exclude me. Especially after spring break, when I went to NYC with two of my friends instead of on a cruise with the girls. Things got worse in the summer when I wasn't even invited to any of their events anymore. At the time, I was also becoming closer to another couple of guys who were super fun and chill to hangout with. I figured that even though I had lost my friendship with the girls and my initial group of friends, I had found a new one and things would be okay.

But then a few days ago, things kind of went south for me. Actually, things had been going south for about a month or so now. One of the guys in my group I considered my best friend here kind of started acting really vicious and making really offensive comments. It started off as a joke, but eventually progressed into really being cruel and hurtful. Things escalated a lot yesterday when he told me that he was clearly my only friend left and now I had strong-armed him into leaving me and I basically had no more friends left. At first I was really angry and brushed off what he said. But now as I think, he's absolutely right. I had poured all of my attention into my friendship with him only to be disrespected and realize that what we had was a one-sided friendship where I did everything he said and we did what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted. I basically realized that I had given him control of my entire life and had become obedient to him. I really do have no other friends but him. It sickens me to think that I've been friends with someone negative and mean like that for so long now. There is  no way I want to resume my friendship with him, but I desperately pine for new friends. For friends who actually respect me and care about me. And for once, I actually want a GROUP of friends. Not random friends, but a group of friends that I always hangout with, pre-game with, go to events with. I want to be part of a clique. I want to belong somewhere, not just be a wanderer. The friends I had in my initial group have all moved on. One of them was my roommate, who is now dating someone and hangs out with his friends only. So she's moved on. The other one has a girlfriend and his own set of close friends. He's moved on too. He still invites me to things he plans and we still talk, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm the only one who got burned. Everyone else has moved on but here I am alone and without friends to call my own.

I'm not saying that my life is horrible by any means, because I definitely have some great things in my life like my family, my school, God, my old friends from undergrad and high school. I'm so blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity to go into this wonderful career of medicine and be able to impact people's lives and help them be the best they can be. I'm so fortunate to get that experience. Sometimes I'm even incredulous to find myself here since there's a LOT smarter people on this planet than me. I definitely have a lot going for me and have old friends who are there for me, but I really do wish I could find a group of friends in medical school. It would make things so much easier when I see my old group getting dinner together and making plans and laughing, while I'm left staring at them. It would be nice when my roommate tells me she's going on a date or going to a party with her new group of friends. It would be nice to have someone to talk to and depend on and invite to do something with. I know I have a pushover personality and people walk all over me, but I really do want to find people who treat me like I deserve. I'm sure I will find that someday. But for now, I'm going to walk with a bruised heart and try to be strong again. Right now, I will focus on myself, my self-image, and my education. I'm glad for all the beautiful people I do have in my life and who have stuck by me through thick and thin. And I'm grateful for God for blessing my life everyday and helping me see that there's so much more to life.