Life Moves On

I wasn't originally going to blog about this, but it has been on my mind nonstop for the past few days so I thought I would go ahead and write to spill my thoughts. This post is going to be quite depressing, which is why I was so hesitant to write this, but since it has literally been eating away at my brain, I thought I would go ahead and write about it.

Coming into medical school, I thought things would be different. I thought I would finally find a close group of friends that I could call my best friends. Initially, everything was going perfectly. I had a tight group of ten friends that I loved to hang out with. But, then natural order happened and everyone in our group started to form little "mini-cliques" as I call it. I felt as if I was the one in the middle, like I was friends with people from both sides. But then I started to realize that the group of girls didn't really like that and started to exclude me. Especially after spring break, when I went to NYC with two of my friends instead of on a cruise with the girls. Things got worse in the summer when I wasn't even invited to any of their events anymore. At the time, I was also becoming closer to another couple of guys who were super fun and chill to hangout with. I figured that even though I had lost my friendship with the girls and my initial group of friends, I had found a new one and things would be okay.

But then a few days ago, things kind of went south for me. Actually, things had been going south for about a month or so now. One of the guys in my group I considered my best friend here kind of started acting really vicious and making really offensive comments. It started off as a joke, but eventually progressed into really being cruel and hurtful. Things escalated a lot yesterday when he told me that he was clearly my only friend left and now I had strong-armed him into leaving me and I basically had no more friends left. At first I was really angry and brushed off what he said. But now as I think, he's absolutely right. I had poured all of my attention into my friendship with him only to be disrespected and realize that what we had was a one-sided friendship where I did everything he said and we did what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted. I basically realized that I had given him control of my entire life and had become obedient to him. I really do have no other friends but him. It sickens me to think that I've been friends with someone negative and mean like that for so long now. There is  no way I want to resume my friendship with him, but I desperately pine for new friends. For friends who actually respect me and care about me. And for once, I actually want a GROUP of friends. Not random friends, but a group of friends that I always hangout with, pre-game with, go to events with. I want to be part of a clique. I want to belong somewhere, not just be a wanderer. The friends I had in my initial group have all moved on. One of them was my roommate, who is now dating someone and hangs out with his friends only. So she's moved on. The other one has a girlfriend and his own set of close friends. He's moved on too. He still invites me to things he plans and we still talk, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm the only one who got burned. Everyone else has moved on but here I am alone and without friends to call my own.

I'm not saying that my life is horrible by any means, because I definitely have some great things in my life like my family, my school, God, my old friends from undergrad and high school. I'm so blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity to go into this wonderful career of medicine and be able to impact people's lives and help them be the best they can be. I'm so fortunate to get that experience. Sometimes I'm even incredulous to find myself here since there's a LOT smarter people on this planet than me. I definitely have a lot going for me and have old friends who are there for me, but I really do wish I could find a group of friends in medical school. It would make things so much easier when I see my old group getting dinner together and making plans and laughing, while I'm left staring at them. It would be nice when my roommate tells me she's going on a date or going to a party with her new group of friends. It would be nice to have someone to talk to and depend on and invite to do something with. I know I have a pushover personality and people walk all over me, but I really do want to find people who treat me like I deserve. I'm sure I will find that someday. But for now, I'm going to walk with a bruised heart and try to be strong again. Right now, I will focus on myself, my self-image, and my education. I'm glad for all the beautiful people I do have in my life and who have stuck by me through thick and thin. And I'm grateful for God for blessing my life everyday and helping me see that there's so much more to life.