Down in the Dumps

So Step 1 is over, but instead of feeling happy and celebrating, I feel like absolute crap. Halfway through my exam (actually more like 1/3 of the way through), I had to take a break and ran to the bathroom stall crying. I tried my best to control my emotions, but I just couldn't. I totally broke down and probably fucked up the rest of my test.

Right after the exam, I ran straight to my car and bawled my eyes out. Completely bawled my eyes out for an hour. After pulling myself together, I drove home. Came home, tried to put on a brave face in front of my parents, but ended up bawling my eyes out again. For probably the next 3-4 hours..actually no i think I cried the whole night. I was supposed to leave for Vegas at 5am the next morning, but I ended up cancelling my trip. I know I wasted $300 of airfare, but I talked to my parents and they agreed that if I wasn't feeling that great, I should just skip, pull myself together, and just calm down and get myself together before pre-clerkship week began. I figured I already wasted $350, if I had gone, I would end up spending like $200+ there. It's not even about the money and I plan on paying my parents back and not get a new laptop like I was supposed to. I just completely crumbled and got totally crushed by the exam. Hit rock bottom, not only because of the test but everything else. I feel like for the past 23 years, I've put my heart and soul in my academics and not really focused on anything else. Never dated anybody, thought it was okay I didn't have many friends, my family life is shit, I look like crap. Never really cared because I knew I always had my studies and grades. But then after getting crushed by the exam, I totally broke down and felt stripped. I studied SO hard for the past 3 months and probably ended up failing. I'm 90% positive i either failed or got a really low passing score. Looking online at forums, I should probably kiss my dreams of going to a well respected hospital for residency goodbye. If I'm lucky, maybe I"ll get an interview at Pitt based on my 3rd year experiences. I don't even know anymore.

The next few days after my test were full of misery. I've literally hit rock bottom and it took a LOT of strength to pull myself together. I'm so glad I chose to skip Vegas because I know I would've been a total wreck there. Yesterday, I had a heart to heart talk with my mom, who told me about a similar experience she's had regarding school and how she pulled herself back on her feet. I guess I need to realize that it's not the end of the world and it's just an exam. I shouldn't let one exam define who I am or my entire future. Right after the exam, I thought about dropping out or taking a year off or something. But after I got myself together, I realized that it's not too late. I haven't even gotten my score back, and maybe (since it's a normalized curve), I may have passed with semi-decent grades. Even if I failed the exam, I can study my ASS off and beast the exam now that I've gotten that kick in the ass. My mom made a good point. She says I should take control of the situation and start studying again next week in case I do fail and need to re-take it. If I got a low score or do need to retake it, I can make up for it during 3rd year and Step 2. It's not the end of the world.

In any case, the biggest change I need to make is in myself especially if I need to beast 3rd year and step 2. I feel like I"m still extremely immature and don't have my life together. I look in the mirror and I'm ashamed. I look at myself and how lazy I am, and feel horrible. I want to be independent, beautiful, feel proud of who I am like everyone else in this world. I know it's no excuse, but I think the reason I didn't do well is because I have no semblance in my life. I get upset too easily, too easily distracted, try to cut corners, and that's not right. That's probably the biggest thing holding me back from reaching my potential. I'm fat and obese, ugly as shit, never had a boyfriend, never had a guy ask me out, never had real friends, never felt happy about who I am and that's something that really needs to change soon. School life is over, I need to get out to the wards soon where I need to perform my best, especially now that I flunked my Step 1 exam.

I guess that's why I chose not to go to Vegas. Sure I sulked at home, but in these next few days I really want to pull myself together and mature up a little bit. I sometimes think I might even have a mental disorder that causes me to behave like this, but I refuse to act on it or go to a doctor without giving it all my best. I want to isolate myself from my friends and from everyone else too. We'll see how that goes. But one thing at a time. Right now, I just want to focus on myself and be happy with who I am. Even if it means falling off the grid, being alone, being a loser, whatever.