Recipes of the Week: April 28th

It feels like a new "school year" and a fresh beginning since third year starts tomorrow! I'm going grocery shopping tonight and made my grocery list this week around new recipes and tried & true recipes. Tried to take it easy and kind of ease into cooking for myself again so a lot of these things are stuff I've made in the past or easy stuff. I've also decided I want to start cooking myself a "gourmet" breakfast every Saturday or Sunday morning so I'm super excited for that!

Breakfast

• Egg white omelette with toast
• Honey almond granola with milk
• Egg white, ham, and cheddar sandwich
• Banana and peanut butter (on the go option!)

Weekend Breakfast

• Smoked sausage pasta with potatoes

Lunch

• Ham and cheddar with spinach and mayo sandwich and a side of baby carrots with ranch
• Chicken burger on wheat with a side of baby carrots with ranch
• Grilled cheese sandwich

Dinner

• Chicken parmesan with whole wheat thin spaghetti
• Okra masala with brown rice 
• Soup with buttered baguette

Snacks

• Whole wheat baguette with butter
• Spinach feta pesto mini pizza
• Almonds and a banana
• Strawberries with cream cheese
• Soup with buttered baguette
• Baby carrots with ranch
• English muffin pizza

Updated: Beauty Bag

So I'm a little bit more calm after my freakshow post-exam meltdown. And I figured it's time to move on and look towards the future rather than focus my mind on the negative and feel shitty about how my exam went. I have no control over that anymore and even if it went horribly, I have no choice but to re-study and re-take it.
For now, I can just improve my chances of picking up my academic career by rocking third year. And there's no real better way of getting started on that except to update my wardrobe and beauty drawer and look my best in front of my mentors. In order to get my mind off things, I decided to make an everyday makeup bag full of products I can use on a daily basis. I haven't really finished it, but here are some of the things I have in my new, updated day-to-day makeup bag. I'm planning on putting these items in my Clinique makeup bag probably either on my desk, where I normally get ready, or on my dresser.

Face & Eye Products

• BareMinerals Original Foundation in Golden Tan
• Milani Secret Cover Concealer in Medium
• Urban Decay Primer Potion
• BareMinerals READY Blush in The Aphrodisiac
• Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Dollface
• Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad To The Bronze
• Physician's Formula Matte Collection Quad in Classic Nudes

Lip Products

• Clinique Chubby Stick in Mega Melon
• Maybelline Baby Lips in Rose Rush
• Revlon Lip Butter in Peach Parfait
• Revlon Lip Butter in Pink Truffle
• BareMinerals Marvelous Moxie Lip Gloss in Rebel
• Benefit Ultra Plush Lip Gloss in Coralista
• L'Oreal Le Gloss in Really Rose
• Maybelline Color Elixir in Caramel Infused
• NYX Butter Gloss in Apple Strudel
• NYX Butter Gloss in Angel Food Cake
• NYX Mega Shine Lip Gloss in Nude Pink

Daily Beauty Essentials

• Pink Body Spray in Fresh & Clean
• Pop-up mirror & hairbrush
• Secret Travel-Size Deodorant

Down in the Dumps

So Step 1 is over, but instead of feeling happy and celebrating, I feel like absolute crap. Halfway through my exam (actually more like 1/3 of the way through), I had to take a break and ran to the bathroom stall crying. I tried my best to control my emotions, but I just couldn't. I totally broke down and probably fucked up the rest of my test.

Right after the exam, I ran straight to my car and bawled my eyes out. Completely bawled my eyes out for an hour. After pulling myself together, I drove home. Came home, tried to put on a brave face in front of my parents, but ended up bawling my eyes out again. For probably the next 3-4 hours..actually no i think I cried the whole night. I was supposed to leave for Vegas at 5am the next morning, but I ended up cancelling my trip. I know I wasted $300 of airfare, but I talked to my parents and they agreed that if I wasn't feeling that great, I should just skip, pull myself together, and just calm down and get myself together before pre-clerkship week began. I figured I already wasted $350, if I had gone, I would end up spending like $200+ there. It's not even about the money and I plan on paying my parents back and not get a new laptop like I was supposed to. I just completely crumbled and got totally crushed by the exam. Hit rock bottom, not only because of the test but everything else. I feel like for the past 23 years, I've put my heart and soul in my academics and not really focused on anything else. Never dated anybody, thought it was okay I didn't have many friends, my family life is shit, I look like crap. Never really cared because I knew I always had my studies and grades. But then after getting crushed by the exam, I totally broke down and felt stripped. I studied SO hard for the past 3 months and probably ended up failing. I'm 90% positive i either failed or got a really low passing score. Looking online at forums, I should probably kiss my dreams of going to a well respected hospital for residency goodbye. If I'm lucky, maybe I"ll get an interview at Pitt based on my 3rd year experiences. I don't even know anymore.

The next few days after my test were full of misery. I've literally hit rock bottom and it took a LOT of strength to pull myself together. I'm so glad I chose to skip Vegas because I know I would've been a total wreck there. Yesterday, I had a heart to heart talk with my mom, who told me about a similar experience she's had regarding school and how she pulled herself back on her feet. I guess I need to realize that it's not the end of the world and it's just an exam. I shouldn't let one exam define who I am or my entire future. Right after the exam, I thought about dropping out or taking a year off or something. But after I got myself together, I realized that it's not too late. I haven't even gotten my score back, and maybe (since it's a normalized curve), I may have passed with semi-decent grades. Even if I failed the exam, I can study my ASS off and beast the exam now that I've gotten that kick in the ass. My mom made a good point. She says I should take control of the situation and start studying again next week in case I do fail and need to re-take it. If I got a low score or do need to retake it, I can make up for it during 3rd year and Step 2. It's not the end of the world.

In any case, the biggest change I need to make is in myself especially if I need to beast 3rd year and step 2. I feel like I"m still extremely immature and don't have my life together. I look in the mirror and I'm ashamed. I look at myself and how lazy I am, and feel horrible. I want to be independent, beautiful, feel proud of who I am like everyone else in this world. I know it's no excuse, but I think the reason I didn't do well is because I have no semblance in my life. I get upset too easily, too easily distracted, try to cut corners, and that's not right. That's probably the biggest thing holding me back from reaching my potential. I'm fat and obese, ugly as shit, never had a boyfriend, never had a guy ask me out, never had real friends, never felt happy about who I am and that's something that really needs to change soon. School life is over, I need to get out to the wards soon where I need to perform my best, especially now that I flunked my Step 1 exam.

I guess that's why I chose not to go to Vegas. Sure I sulked at home, but in these next few days I really want to pull myself together and mature up a little bit. I sometimes think I might even have a mental disorder that causes me to behave like this, but I refuse to act on it or go to a doctor without giving it all my best. I want to isolate myself from my friends and from everyone else too. We'll see how that goes. But one thing at a time. Right now, I just want to focus on myself and be happy with who I am. Even if it means falling off the grid, being alone, being a loser, whatever.

Stress Shopping & New Ulta Opening Goodies!

Soooo time is tick tocking down to when I take quite possibly one of the most important tests of my life. Yes, the infamous Step 1. I've been kind of behind since I realized that I had spent most of my study time religiously trying to memorize every little factoid in First Aid rather than trying to answer questions based on pattern recognition which is apparently what you need to do in order to ace Step 1.
Needless to stay, I've been working overtime to cram everything into my brain which means plenty of coffee and stress.
My study table is decorated with various coffee cups and my face is covered in stress acne. So what do I do when I'm feeling stressed out? Like any girly girl, I hit the mall. I went to Sephora and Forever21 and bought some makeup and a really pretty bright blue top. And since Ulta recently opened a new store in my neighborhood (just a dangerous 10 minutes away from my house) and I was already out shopping, of course I hit it up and bought some unnecessary goodies.

Not too much stuff, see :) Some of these products I actually needed, like a new shampoo and conditioner and the acne body wash. I decided to try the John Frieda line of Smooth Start shampoo and conditioner, which I haven't heard too much about but it was BOGO1/2 at Ulta so I decided I would give it a shot. Also picked up the Neutrogena Body Clear Body Wash since I have some zits around my neckline area I want to get rid of before my trip to Vegas. Excited to try it since I've been meaning to buy it for over a year now.

Of course, I also bought some makeup because I couldn't help but pass by the makeup aisles on my way to the checkout line. I bought the Physician's Formula matte shadow quad I had been meaning to try for a few weeks now. It has some really pretty brown mattes for everyday use that I"m excited to try. I've realized my eye looks have been over the top shimmery lately so I'm looking forward to matte things up for a change. Since I've been in loveeee with the NYX Butter Glosses lately, I bought one of their new shades called Angel Food Cake, which is a really pretty sheer pinky mauve that should be a good neutral for everyday wear. Since NYX products were also BOGO1/2, I also bought one of the NYX Mega Shine Lip Glosses in Nude Pink, which is a gorgeous light baby pink, but sheer enough so it doesn't make me look too washed out. The NYX Mega Shine glosses are my new love, next to the Butter Glosses. They're watermelon scented, super sleek packaging, easy applicator brush, look super shiny on my lips, are extremely hydrating and comfortable, and stay a long time on my lips. In love with them! 

Lastly, I also bought a new blush from Sephora. Since I was a little upset about not being able to get the Too Faced Sweethearts Flush Blush during the Ulta sale, I decided to get the Clinique Cheek Pop Blush Pop in Berry Pop (whew that's a lotta pops). They're the new blush line from Clinique and they're gotten rave reviews, so I had to try them out especially since I love gentle makeup brands. Plus, I chose the bright, pinky-berry color since I didn't have one in my collection and it should look gorgeous for this summer.

So there we go, retail therapy is the best. Now onto acing my Step 1 test and going to Vegas! Woop woop!

March Favorites! ♥

Oh my another month has come and gone by. I know I didn't have many favorites last month, but I have been in love with a lotta great new products in March! Here are just a few of them.

Queen Helene Mint Julep Face Mask

Totally zaps my zits overnight! I've been breaking out a little more than normal this month. I usually apply a dot of this cream right over any bumps on my face before bed and they're totally dried up  and shrunken by the morning!

Photo credit = www.sweetelectricblog.com

Milani Secret Cover Concealer

I always loved my bareMinerals face products, but recently their cream concealer has been letting me down big time. I started using this drugstore beauty to cover up my blemishes and I am in love! Even my mom complimented me on how bright my undereyes looked and how flawless my skin was, which is saying alot. It covers my hyperpigmentation perfectly, with full coverage, and lasts all day. Definitely going to be my new full-time concealer.

Photo credit = www.blogsaleshop.storenvy.com

Urban Decay Naked 3 Palette

Finally started using this palette! It's perfect for springtime since it's full of pinks and mauves. Definitely going to be my go-to palette this spring and summer.

Photo credit = www.makeupandbeautyblog.com

BareMinerals Blush in Golden Gate

In love with this shimmery, peachy-pink blush for the springtime season. I'm actually quite impressed with the bareMinerals loose blushes! They blend just like a dream and look very natural (more than any of my other blushes). You only need a little bit of product too. I'll be picking up a couple more shades this summer for sure!

Photo credit = www.musingsofamuse.com

Revlon ColorBurst Lip Butter in Peach Parfait

My favorite lip product of the month! Again, a perfect pick for the springtime. It's a shimmery gold-flecked peachy-pink lip color. The best part is that it's sheer so it doesn't look to shiny and metallic or pale on my lips. It's definitely going to be my MLBB shade this summer! 

Photo credit = www.bellecandy.com

BareMinerals Marvelous Moxie Lipgloss in Rebel

Another MLBB color discovery. This is literally THE most perfect pinky-nude gloss shade for me -- its a creamy, sparkle-free salmon pink rose. I got this as a free sample a couple months ago, but stashed it away in my beauty drawer without a second thought. I recently re-discovered it and literally am in love.  I could rave about this gloss all day, but I'll just say that it is literally the perfect gloss formulation, lasts all day, tastes amazing, makes my lips feel smooth and silky, and look shiny. Been wearing this literally every other day and looking forward to buying a few more colors soon!

Photo credit = www.mommysplurge.com

NYX Butter Gloss in Apple Strudel

I featured this in my favorites a couple months ago, but I've been reaching for this gloss pretty frequently this month too. For being a cheap drugstore gloss, it feels amazing on the lips and has a good amount of pigmentation. It's a light baby pink, so it's great for days where I want to just wear a little bit of makeup and run out the door (aka every day since I've been doing nothing but studying). Also, it tastes and smells like vanilla!

Photo credit = www.missnattysbeautydiary.com

Colbie Caillait Radio 

The best Pandora station! Features hits by Jack Johnson, John Mayer, Norah Jones, etc. So relaxing for when I'm feeling stressed out. I think I've "liked" literally every single song on this station.  

Photo credit = www.ieweekly.com

Lydia - Devil

My favorite album this month! Every song is sooooo good. Definitely one of the best alternative albums I've listened to in a long while. I LOVED their first album but their second album totally sucked, so I didn't have very high hopes for this album. But glad they're back with another kickass album. Lydia <3333

Photo credit = www.altpress.com

Growing Up.

Figured I haven't done a personal post in a while. I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately with a lot of family drama, stress around my Step 1 exam, and just struggles of daily life. By no means do I have a miserable life. I'm grateful for everything I have and all the experiences I've gone through. But I do wish I could fix some parts of my life.

I know my weight has been the one thing I've struggled with constantly. But even that's starting to come under control now. I'm happy to say that I haven't gained any weight and have acquired a lot of great new habits recently.

I do wish that I was better at forming relationships, though. Ever since I was little, I never really had a constant group of friends. My family moved around a lot during my elementary-middle school years and I never really had the chance to develop blooming relationships. I kind of almost regret that now because I'm having such a hard time forming true relationships now. Not only have I never had a real relationship or a real boyfriend, I've never really had true friends either. Everyone seems to be so great at making friends, but it's really challenging for me. I'm a really nice person, everyone always says that, but when it comes to being a good friend, I'm really shitty. I'm not very disclosing about the personal issues in my life to anyone, which makes other people hesitant to divulge their issues to me. I think about everyone I know who has amazing, lasting friendships and all of them are such good listeners who always know what to say and are so empathetic. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to be like that. I'll always be the awkward, quiet girl who says the wrong thing at the wrong time. And as I grow up, I realize that I can't change that about myself. I just have to learn how to accept it. I'm seen as this quirky, quiet girl who says funny stuff occasionally but has a ton of acquaintances. Yet, if I had to list people in my life who I think would be great bridesmaids or would stick their neck out for me, I hesitate. My best friend from grade school, who coincidentally happens to be one of my oldest friends, doesn't really keep up with me anymore. Sure she has a crazy busy life, but our dinner date last year kinda made me realize how far we'd drifted. Most of our dinner was full of awkward silences and no real chit chat. Just talk about our old school friends, a topic we had nothing much to discuss. And it hit me. We no longer have inside jokes, share similar hobbies, hell we don't even share similar friends anymore. I can't really call her a best friend anymore. She's always going to hold a special place in my heart and will always be my oldest and kindest friend who I know I can turn to for anything, but I know she's found other, better friends and doesn't really think of me the same way I think of her.

And I guess thats part of growing up. I need to realize that everyone changes and moves forward and I wish I could do the same. I'm still stuck on wishing she was my best friend and that we were more like sisters than friends. But it's too little too late for that now. We're friends at best. Nothing more. It really hurts me that I'm the only one who wants to even initiate a hangout. I knew that if I stopped texting her periodically, we would have a total fallout. We would probably never talk again. And that really really hurts me. I've tried to tell myself that she's busy and probably doesn't have time to talk to anyone, but no that's not really true at all. I can't really call her out on that because I have found other friends too and hangout with them way more, but at the same time, I wish our friendship meant something more than just a periodic awkward dinner date and more than a one-sided relationship.

So I think this time I'm done for good with her. If she realizes she misses me or wants to hangout with me, she can say something. As for now, I think we've lost any hopes of resurrecting our relationship. I'm very happy for her and I'm glad she has real friends who genuinely care about her. I wish she saw me as one of those, but I can't force anyone to change their minds. I wish I could tell her about all the shit I'm going through right now with my family issues, but I can't. How can I spill those intimate details to someone who doesn't even care to listen or care about even texting me once in a blue moon to talk? Whatever, I guess I'll always be the pathetic high school loser in her eyes and her cool new friends are better. But I need to grow up. It's so sad to see she has to be another friend I eject from my life, but so be it. Maybe we can catch up sometime in 5 years, if she even realizes I exist.

NOTW: Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear Nail Color in Lacey Lilac

Ahh late update on the nail color for this week, but it's a pretty one! This week is Sally Hansen's Xtreme Nail Wear in Lacey Lilac. It's a really gorgeous pastel purple. I picked this one up last fall when it was on sale at my local grocery store. I must say, it's beautiful and a great choice this week since spring has been in full bloom. It has been a little chilly here, but super sunny skies. I put this on Tuesday but haven't gotten a chance to write about it until now.

It's so funny, this nailpolish is only $3 or $4 and has an amazingly good formula but yet I keep forgetting about it! This is one of Sally Hansen's not so popular polish lines, but it is so stinkin' good! First off, I love the brush and how evenly and precisely the nailpolish goes on. It's a small flat brush (unlike the larger brush in their Insta-Dri line) that applies the polish perfectly and I barely have to wipe off any nailpolish lines around my fingertips. Second, the color is so shiny and glossy even without a topcoat. Also, the color lasts a crazy long time. Like I said, I don't wear a topcoat usualy and this nailpolish lasts a full week. I put this on about 4 days ago and there are absolutely no chips except a few on my index finger. Definitely less than other formulas like Revlon, L'Oreal, Sally Hansen Insta-Dri, etc. I would even say it compares if not surpasses some of my Essie and OPI shades. So, this has definitely become my favorite nailpolish line! I have a few other colors in the Xtreme Wear line, but not that many. Hoping to pick up a few more this year!