Growing Up.

Figured I haven't done a personal post in a while. I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately with a lot of family drama, stress around my Step 1 exam, and just struggles of daily life. By no means do I have a miserable life. I'm grateful for everything I have and all the experiences I've gone through. But I do wish I could fix some parts of my life.

I know my weight has been the one thing I've struggled with constantly. But even that's starting to come under control now. I'm happy to say that I haven't gained any weight and have acquired a lot of great new habits recently.

I do wish that I was better at forming relationships, though. Ever since I was little, I never really had a constant group of friends. My family moved around a lot during my elementary-middle school years and I never really had the chance to develop blooming relationships. I kind of almost regret that now because I'm having such a hard time forming true relationships now. Not only have I never had a real relationship or a real boyfriend, I've never really had true friends either. Everyone seems to be so great at making friends, but it's really challenging for me. I'm a really nice person, everyone always says that, but when it comes to being a good friend, I'm really shitty. I'm not very disclosing about the personal issues in my life to anyone, which makes other people hesitant to divulge their issues to me. I think about everyone I know who has amazing, lasting friendships and all of them are such good listeners who always know what to say and are so empathetic. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to be like that. I'll always be the awkward, quiet girl who says the wrong thing at the wrong time. And as I grow up, I realize that I can't change that about myself. I just have to learn how to accept it. I'm seen as this quirky, quiet girl who says funny stuff occasionally but has a ton of acquaintances. Yet, if I had to list people in my life who I think would be great bridesmaids or would stick their neck out for me, I hesitate. My best friend from grade school, who coincidentally happens to be one of my oldest friends, doesn't really keep up with me anymore. Sure she has a crazy busy life, but our dinner date last year kinda made me realize how far we'd drifted. Most of our dinner was full of awkward silences and no real chit chat. Just talk about our old school friends, a topic we had nothing much to discuss. And it hit me. We no longer have inside jokes, share similar hobbies, hell we don't even share similar friends anymore. I can't really call her a best friend anymore. She's always going to hold a special place in my heart and will always be my oldest and kindest friend who I know I can turn to for anything, but I know she's found other, better friends and doesn't really think of me the same way I think of her.

And I guess thats part of growing up. I need to realize that everyone changes and moves forward and I wish I could do the same. I'm still stuck on wishing she was my best friend and that we were more like sisters than friends. But it's too little too late for that now. We're friends at best. Nothing more. It really hurts me that I'm the only one who wants to even initiate a hangout. I knew that if I stopped texting her periodically, we would have a total fallout. We would probably never talk again. And that really really hurts me. I've tried to tell myself that she's busy and probably doesn't have time to talk to anyone, but no that's not really true at all. I can't really call her out on that because I have found other friends too and hangout with them way more, but at the same time, I wish our friendship meant something more than just a periodic awkward dinner date and more than a one-sided relationship.

So I think this time I'm done for good with her. If she realizes she misses me or wants to hangout with me, she can say something. As for now, I think we've lost any hopes of resurrecting our relationship. I'm very happy for her and I'm glad she has real friends who genuinely care about her. I wish she saw me as one of those, but I can't force anyone to change their minds. I wish I could tell her about all the shit I'm going through right now with my family issues, but I can't. How can I spill those intimate details to someone who doesn't even care to listen or care about even texting me once in a blue moon to talk? Whatever, I guess I'll always be the pathetic high school loser in her eyes and her cool new friends are better. But I need to grow up. It's so sad to see she has to be another friend I eject from my life, but so be it. Maybe we can catch up sometime in 5 years, if she even realizes I exist.